We all no one. No one likes to admit they are one. Every family has one. Every office has one. Churches have them. Chances are you have a friend that is one. If we are honest, many times it is yours truly. Yep, that’s right you and me.
I have realized that people that are the most controlling are usually the ones that have the least amount of self-control that is why they have such an insatiable need to control others.
They are so terrified of not being in control that ironically, they have become out of control. Controlling others gives some people a sense of superiority or the illusion that they can control the outcome of all things. This is an illusion and quite frankly is exhausting, not only for the controller but for any who are in relationship with them. A controller eventually makes their world smaller and smaller because they squeeze the life out of those relationships they attempt to control.
Galatians 6:19-21
The works of the flesh are evident, which are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I told you in times past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Galatians 6:22-23
But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering ,kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control against such there is no law.
Manipulation and Other Schemes
Controllers have mad skills at manipulating, they don’t do things legitimately; they tend to leverage every situation for their benefit. Putting a “spin” on whatever conversation that will turn in a way that benefits them.
The real root of this is “selfishness”. It is sad to say but a true narcissistic person cannot fathom or comprehend the fact that they indeed are selfish. Rather than own their behavior, they shift the blame onto others to throw the scent off of them. They generally have no sense of boundaries that they have crossed and can pull the victim card when confronted. All of a sudden, they have others apologizing to them for the “sin” they committed. Mission accomplished for them; they’ve made you feel “guilty” and they are still in control. In reality, the only power they have is that which we have relinquished to them.
Warnings Against Control Freaks
Romans 16:17-18
I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause division and create obstacles; contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ but their own appetites. and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.
Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Relationships like this leave you scratching your head and wondering how you ended up in this mess. Disconnecting from a controlling relationship can feel a lot like finding your way out of a maze. In the process you feel just like Waldo in the book” Find Waldo in the Picture.” Surrounded by a lot of stuff, He in fact is “hidden” and buried among the debris and objects attempting to blur his identity and make him blend in with the picture presented.
This is what is happening to you when you are brought into bondage. You have lost your sense of self. You have been “conditioned” by someone controlling.
A controller wants you to believe what they are convincing you is the thing you should be believing. It is a façade. Every time you believe it and give into it you lose more of who you are and what you believe, thus creating incredible self-doubt. A little bit more of you is lost with every occurrence. Deeper and deeper into bondage you go.
Are You….?
Identify if you are the controller or the one being controlled. What exactly can you do to start getting free? Brace yourself by asking some truth speaking friends or family members what their experience with you has been like. Maybe you need to ask them what they see as they observe your relationships.
If you tend to be pretty laid back and a go with the flow person then you are a great candidate for a controller. Your “that’s fine or “ whatever” personality makes you easy prey. You really don’t have to have your way and are just as pleased giving someone else what they want. The danger in this is that when a controller starts to get “yes” conveyed to them through others either verbally or non verbally they become accustomed to always having their way. Like a child who has never heard no they strongly protest to anything that doesn’t give them the “yes” they are looking for.
Eventually a controlling person acts like a spoiled child who will throw a tantrum if things don’t go the way they want them too.
A controller will intimidate you through fear to get their way. The irony of this is that a controlling person is the one who is the most fearful person. Fear has dominated their life so much that it is in dominating others that they have a false sense of security. The upper hand they have on others is oppressive and confining. They have worn you down through guilt and condemnation. They condition you through their control to make you question every thing about yourself. With self-doubt permeating your thoughts, you defer to the controller. Fearful and manipulated in your emotions your decision making ability is paralyzed.
Once a person realizes they have been taken captive they start to fight back.
“No” to a controlling person always means maybe. When you say “No” and mean it, brace yourself for an argument or for them to “present their case”.
A controller can easily become a bully when resisted.
James 4:1
Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members.
If you struggle with controlling tendencies. Be honest with yourself. Try to become “other minded”. Thinking about what others want or desire over your own desires.
It is possible to get free from being controlled or being the one who tends to control. It takes a quality decision and be willing to be transparent with others to stop controlling others.
If you are being controlled, seek help.
The bible says in a multitude of counselors there is safety. It is okay to draw boundary lines in order to take back your life. To be in control so that others don’t control you isn’t sinful it is healthy. You must first say yes to you. Whenever you are on an airplane the flight attendant demonstrates what to do in an emergency. She says first to give yourself oxygen before you give it to your neighbor. For someone that is unselfish by nature or never taught that this is healthy, it is a difficult task. Reminding yourself that this is necessary and it will bring life and self preservation. This will help you follow through.
What if you treated you like you treated your best friend? You would be kind, compassionate, loving and accepting. You would fight for her to preserve her life and well-being. Fight for your freedom and determine that you are worth it. After all, God died for you to preserve you and your self worth.
and mean it. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Their rejection and reaction to the “no” is their problem to work through so don’t let their monkey jump on your back any longer.
Refuse to feel condemned because you took a stand to preserve yourself. Ask God for wisdom and strategy to know how to deal with the controllers in your life. He will give it to you. He wants you to be free as much as you want you to be free! Don’t give in to others demands because you are weary and they have the stamina to wear you down. Giving in to them only weakens you and strengthens their control. Stand strong and persevere. Don’t beat yourself up when you slide back into old familiar patterns. Every day is an opportunity to start fresh and be stronger than the day before.
Be willing to separate yourself and draw clear boundary lines from those that continually take from you and manipulate you. The bible tells us to check the fruit on the tree. You wouldn’t eat a poisonous apple would you? When you open yourself up to relationships that produce toxins chances are you didn’t carefully check the fruit of that person’s life. The light at the end of the tunnel is you can be free from controllers. You own your life, no one else. This is a beautiful thing, it is a God thing and He will empower you to get back what you have relinquished to others. Be strong in him.
Have you struggled with control issues?
Are you in a controling relationship?
Leave me a comment below…maybe its the first step in seeking help.
