Help! My marriage is struggling because of financial insecurity.

Financial insecurity impacts couples all over the world. Many couples are crying out for help. Here is how to get back to a place of financial security.

“When a husband and wife can eliminate debt, a shift happens in their marriage. There’s a peace of mind they haven’t experienced before.” 

Rachel Cruz

In a 2018 article by Rachel Cruz (daughter of Dave Ramsey), she gives some alarming statistics.

  • Nearly two-thirds of all marriages start off in debt. Forty-three percent of couples married more than 25 years started off in debt, while 86 percent of couples married five years or less started off in the red — twice the number of their older counterparts.
  • One-third of people who say they argued with their spouse about money say they hid a purchase from their spouse because they knew their partner would not approve.
  • Ninety-four percent of respondents who say they have a “great” marriage” discuss their money dreams with their spouse, compared to only 45 percent of respondents who say their marriage is “okay” or “in crisis.”
  • Eighty-seven percent of respondents who say their marriage is “great” also say they and their spouse work together to set long-term goals for their money.
  • Sixty-three percent of those with $50,000 or more in debt feel anxious about talking about their personal finances. Almost half (47 percent) of respondents with consumer debt say their level of debt creates stress and anxiety.

Financial personalities are a real thing. Like people’s personalities, some people are free spirits. They go wherever the wind blows them.

Some people like extreme structure who do nothing without a plan. The goal may be to meet somewhere in the middle, building on both money personalities.

Coming up with a plan that works for both parties is a healthy goal.

Power struggles can happen over money when there isn’t communication that ends up with a unified decision.

If one is a saver but the other is a spendthrift, it’s only a matter of time before arguing starts happening. 

When things get lean financially and the investigation of discovering how we got here, irritations can start to surface.

Having a spouse with the opposite money personality can be challenging and has the potential to bring tension into the relationship.

This is when the conversation gets awkward. Especially when each person views money very differently.

He blows money, she saves money.

The conversation goes from awkward to heated and soon spirals into being defensive with each other.

He feels attacked, she feels unheard.

Round and round they go in the madness, still continuing to struggle to have a healthy conversation about finances.

Getting to a solution or plan feels a million miles away.

This couple is at an impasse. They stopped listening to each other, and started attacking each other instead of attacking the problem.

Fear of Financial Insecurity

Fear of Financial Insecurity can bring concern out of a woman. She will struggle emotionally if practical, financial needs aren’t being met.

Quick story: I was ministering to a young woman who was about to have a baby.

She would be out of work for 3 months and her income was a necessity not, extra padding for their finances. 

Her husband didn’t see it the same way.

While she was worried about:

How the mortgage would get paid. 

How diapers would be bought, and how basic necessity bills would get paid.

He wasn’t worried, he was out playing golf not concerned about solving their financial problem.

Securing a future and creating peace for his wife would have demonstrated financial responsibility and genuine care about calming her fears. This wasn’t their story.

He continued to golf, not a cheap leisure activity. 

The resentment grew as you can imagine, and tension in their relationship turned into animosity and arguing. So what was a financial situation soon became a marital problem.

This was due to totally different money personalities and approaches. For this woman, no plan was a plan. She craved financial security.

Hard wired for security, women desire financial stability. They naturally gravitate to secure environments.

Trust and Security

Trust and security go hand in hand. 

It doesn’t take long to be around a woman who has fear of financial insecurity hanging over her head to recognize she is stressed. The effect of the insecurity is a very unsettled person. 

The lack of peace your partner feels may be from finances being out of order, not just insecurity about money.

Overspending and no clear budget complicate situations where financial chaos has run rampant.

Show me a woman who trusts her husband because He has proven to be trustworthy and they can weather financial hardships and most trials.

If you show me a woman who has major trust issues with her husband and then you add catastrophic financial hits, they are in a very dangerous position.

Financial stress adds pressure. When A  marriage is already on a shaky foundation or fractured, the temptation to allow arguing to take over is high. When trust is low the animosity can grow quickly.

The majority of women I know want to trust their husband financially. The various reasons they don’t are from each other’s own insecurities and backstory.

Sometimes a childhood story of poverty has painted a picture of a limiting mindset. It can manifest in the overspender who suffers with low self esteem.  

To overcompensate for feeling ‘less than’, they go into debt to buy a house they can’t afford, a car they can’t afford or wearing the latest, greatest name brand clothing.

They feel no better about themselves internally and now they’re left with debt and arguments with their spouse.

Money can’t buy you happiness or love, but it is a shelter. Money empowers you to bless others.

When financial security is established then money is a wonderful tool.

Money isn’t a god, even though people clench it at times more than they clench true sources of Godly and valuable things. 

Don’t allow the love of money to lead you astray. We can choose for money to serve us and not serve it. We are called to love people and use money to be a blessing and help others.

Money doesn’t define us, God does. And our love for others does. God wants divine order in our finances so we aren’t enslaved to debt and we are free to give where He wants us to give. 

Ted Rossman has a great article on financial infidelity on BankRate.com.

Scriptures on Insecurity

Let’s see what God’s word says about the answer to insecurity problems we may be having.

Paul and the other writers addressed them because they were accustomed to facing things where insecurity needed to be combatted. Jesus did too.

Meditate on some of these and hopefully they will answer something you are facing.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

 Philippians 4:6-7

When insecurity grips us in any area, anxiety can try to take over. God always has a prescription and remedy. Rolling every concern onto The Lord through prayer will help us keep peace in the midst of any trial we face.

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

 1 Corinthians 10:13

The way of escape is God’s solution. When financial insecurity swallows you whole. Stop and think. Assess exactly what you’re dealing with.

Do you need a financial counselor? In a crisis like COVID this year, many job losses and businesses have closed. 

The stress is heavy but there are solutions. Running away won’t solve it. That’s the temptation. Can you start cancelling non-essential things? Netflix. Cable. Subscriptions or training things you can start up at a later date. Any unnecessary purchases. Grab a list of your creditors and start making phone calls to see if they will work with you.. Chances are they will.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life.”

  Matthew 6:25

Think about most of the things you were consumed with worry about. Think about all the things you worried about that never happened. Worry is inverted faith. Meditating on the wrong things. Imagine if we meditate on scriptures like these more than worry about the what if’s?

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

John 14:27

Guard your heart against fear. There is a peace that only God can give you and it will never be found in the world. Rest in that peace.

Command those who are rich in this present age not to be haughty, nor to trust in uncertain riches but in the living God who gives us all things to richly enjoy.

1 Timothy 6:17 

Money can give you shelter and empowers you, but don’t put your trust in it. Money is uncertain but God isn’t. God is solid. He’s our ever present help in times of trouble. His ways are higher than ours and if He clothes the birds of the air and the fields of the earth reflect His glory then how much more will He care for us and feed us?

While we meditate on scripture let’s take it a step further and look at some affirmations we can reflect on and say to ourselves.

Affirmations for Insecurity

Speak these over your life and watch how things shift.

  • God will supply all of my needs.
  • I am blessed to be a blessing.
  • I don’t have to fear the future because God holds it in his hands.
  • I’m not where I want to be but I am on my way.
  • I will continue to move forward and be confident by agreeing with what God says about me.
  • I creatively come up with solutions to difficult situations.
  • I stay on top because I am proactive and refuse to be passive and lazy.
  • I control my finances and my finances don’t control me.
  • My confidence comes from God not money.
  • I am grateful that God entrusts me with a problem to solve.
  • I am wonderfully and fearfully made.
  • I am able to do all things through Christ.
  • I go through hard times but always come out on top.
  • I automatically reject lies that tear me down internally.
  • I am able to overcome great obstacles and persevere.
  • We are a great team martially and make good financial decisions.
  • Money serves us because of the purpose God has for it to help others.
  • We speak the same thing, desire the same thing in the area of our finances.
  • We will not be divided over money.
  • We will come up with a financial plan that we both agree on.
Beat financial insecurity with these positive affirmations

These affirmations will begin to train your heart to see you differently. A new Identity will begin to emerge and confidence found because of what you believe about you.

As you regularly speak positive things over your life you will begin to see new life spring forth. Uprooting negative thoughts and insecurity takes effort.

It’s not automatic. It requires discipline and determination to agree with the way God views you.

Find out what works for you and your spouse. Have the hard conversation. Go to counseling if necessary.

Live unselfishly and work hard to meet the financial goals you have. I knew a couple who decided to separate their “ blow money” into separate checking accounts.

They had a set amount of money they both agreed upon every month. It was perfect because it eliminated power struggles and potential arguments.

They paid their household bills together but the separate accounts were for hobbies, shopping whatever each one wanted.

It was a perfect solution for them.

Your Financial Call To Action

Think of some creative ways for you and your spouse to solve some financial struggles you may be dealing with and you will be eliminating fear of financial insecurity and experience more peace in your life.

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