Sitting in a room with all of the new hires, the young leader singled me out by saying you don’t have all of your documentation. I assured her I could have paper proof of me representing me. I needed mercy.
Explaining to her that I had just moved and I could get it to her by the end of the week, she ruffled some papers together, looked up and said, “You can leave now.”
I could feel my face turning three shades of red. I couldn’t believe it. Not only was I going through a divorce, I had a cocky 23-year-old kid who barely was out of a training bra, drunk with her new found authority as a leader.
I stood up and gently pushed the chair away from me holding back burning tears until I could leave the room.
My new coworkers observed me with sad eyes that said, “We want to save you.” As I walked to my car, I said Lord why? This too. It was a season where it seemed as if one trial after another was back to back.
Although this was not big in comparison to what I had been walking through it was enough for me to stop the diplomatic Christian response. I was angry and hurt. Frustrated and feeling foolish.
Conflicted emotions that I had been carrying inside began to unravel. I turned my emotional distress quickly to emotional vomiting. With palms turned up and shoulders shrugged, I said, I give Lord. I know you are not causing this but I can’t help to wrestle with why you are allowing this?
Temper tantrums at 40 are not pretty. Not for you and definitely not for me, the flesh fits and tantrums we succumb to when we are at the end of our rope unleash what’s been bottled up inside. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. You just want to get out of the way.
The tears, disappointment, concern, and raw emotions about the future and my emotional well being started coming out like a jack in the box. Unexpected by me, but not by God.
He needed me to get to the end of me. To scrape the bottom of the barrel of suck it up buttercup and power through this one too. A pattern I was way too familiar with in my life. Things get hard, bear down and power through.
I have a long history of powering through only to have a delayed reaction of a meltdown alone. The minute things seem out of control I want to control. The minute I can’t see what’s around the corner, I want to see what is up ahead.
The minute finances are lean, I want to spend. Letting go seems aloof, and the sad news is my fingers have been known to have to be peeled off whatever I am gripping. It’s a hard reality, but I don’t think I am alone. Many of us are in these situations.
God was just waiting for me to crash right into his arms of grace and comfort. He had not caused any of this but the devil was having a heyday in my life.
Fearful of my heart hardening it felt as if I had shards of glass were shredding it. With buckets of tears, I whimpered and squeaked out, Lord I trust you, I know you have good for me and you are good. None of this is from you.
God wanted me to get to the end of me so I would fully turn to him. He wanted me to know it was only him who could provide for me.
It wasn’t me. It wasn’t another job on top of the other 2 part-time jobs I was working. It was him. It was his provision on every level that He would provide.
He wanted me to be still. Stop freaking out. To be still and listen carefully. Listen for His still small voice of comfort, of love, of calmness.
To trust him when not one thing in my life looked ok or even hopeful. To wait on him when it looked like I needed to sprint ahead and figure things out. Human reasoning can easily be the replacement instead of trusting God to take care of it.
Right in the middle of the storm, He is peace. He speaks and stills the storm. You are not alone today. Whatever you are facing, He is right in the middle of the storm with you.
Run straight into his arms, whether you’re hurting, angry, or disillusioned. He is waiting for you.